besspeacetime: (WoW: Deeprun Tram)
baggage, scales, strings attached, leashing people so they stand still and take the abuse, emotional blackmail...are you the victim or the perp? Learned behavior turns into modus operandi or the golden rule and Karma? Which path do you think you're on and how can you cut over to the other.

"If you love me unconditionally you'll stand there and let me shoot pellets at you forever!"

For someone who doesn't like how they think they are treated you should spend at least a little time making sure you aren't doing the same to others.

Enough People in your life have offered you unconditional love and support and truly FREE lunches that you should be starting to overcome the one person who doesn't. I would say you are old enough to have spent more than half your life being treated better than you think by friends, and truly less time than you think being abused by Family. And for the most part you have returned this unconditional love and support with enough strings to choke an ox.

Nobody has told you to seek professional help for selfish motives, people haven't "left" you or stopped loving you, they just took themselves out of range of your pea shooter out of self preservation, (maybe there's a lesson to be learned from that? maybe you need to take yourself out of range of the pea shooter that's trained on you?).

You have a problem.. and unless you want to continue to treat other others to the same abuse you feel you've suffered, you are going to need to seek the assistance of a qualified therapist... and if the first one you try doesn't fit... for god's sake go to another one!

Just because I don't want to ride the mood swing roller coaster with you anymore or suffer through the cries of "I want to fix this, but only if there's a magic wand involved and I don't have to expend any meaningful effort past railing about it!" doesn't mean I stopped caring about you and hoping you'll get what you need and just means I am not as willing to be abused as you, apparently, are.

No one can treat you like crap unless you let them.
besspeacetime: (Kittens: Zelda Vs Shoe)
I have been skimming thru some advice columns on Yahoo News this morning and come across some chunks of out dated "wisdom" that really annoyed I am gonna answer this myself, or it will drive me up a fucking wall

"When It's Hiding in Plain Sight" Thu Jun 7, 2:00 AM ET

DEAR MARGO: I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. I once saw some videotapes in the top drawer of his dresser marked XXX while helping him put away laundry. After a year, of course, my curiosity got the best of me, and I finally watched two of three tapes this last weekend. I know I shouldn't have, and I deeply regret doing so.

One of the tapes was of my boyfriend and an old "friend" having sex at a hotel. The second tape was my boyfriend having sex with the same girl while someone else videotaped it. The video was very graphic, though dated a couple years ago, so I know they are not recent.

At one point, my boyfriend looked at the camera as he was having sex with her, laughed and gave the thumbs-up sign. The girl would look at the camera and say, "I am not a ho; I don't want your friends to think I am a ho."

What bothers me is that he still has the tapes. And it is not like he forgot they were there, because he keeps them in the top drawer of his dresser in plain sight.

Should I secretly throw them away? I love him very much and want to move on. But how can I do so without admitting I watched the tapes?


DEAR CON: I am as confused as you are, but only because I am from the generation for which the filming of sexual activity would have signaled a blackmailer. I also do not understand wanting these "keepsakes" around, as though they were cinematic records of a Sweet 16 party.

What I suggest you do, without admitting anything, is tell your boyfriend -- the next time you are putting away his laundry in the top drawer -- that you've noticed the triple-X videos, and maybe it would be a turn-on to watch them together! Then you will not have to secretly throw them away or admit you looked at them. I am betting they will disappear pronto.

(And be amenable when he says he doesn't think they're anything you would enjoy.)


First of all, he knows you put the laundry away... he knows they are in that drawer... he knows eventually you will get curious enough to either watch them or ask him about them, which is the opening he is looking for to show them to you most likely.

Also, How do you think he got the other girl interested in or to agree to perform in these tapes... This is his fetish... his little secret thrill to think you may have watched them and want to make one too... if he really didn't want you to find them they would be stored someplace where you would never find them.

What remains to be seen is whether you are interested in being found like that on his next girlfriend's laundry day. If you are okay with that and are feeling generous to indulge in his thrills, go for with no regrets... if you think it's creepy then tell him so...he is not ashamed of these tapes... they will not disappear simply because you ignore them or hint curiosity about them. If you confront him and he says "Let's watch them" Don't Judge him on his fetish, just make your feelings on the subject clear. If it bothers you that he just has them even if your reaction makes it clear to him that asking you to perform likewise is out of the question, you can't say "You have to get rid of these" or give him any ultimatums about them because then he will find someone else to do these things with behind your back and you will end up JUST doing his laundry... if it bothers you enough that you want to "Put your Foot Down"... just leave him. You can't change him or scare a fetish out of him and it would be a grave disservice to you and him to even try. If you can't get with his "Thing" and he needs someone who can... it's time to get up and move on for both of you.

On a side note... if you are genuinely concerned that the girl was somehow coerced into performing in these tapes, then I would suggest trying to discern whether or not she is aware of the fact that they still exist and ask him to give them back to her for her sake, not using your feelings on the subject at all ... just as the decent thing to do.


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